Sporadic Thoughts

It's been a while

2011-09-29T16:26:00.000-07:00

I live in Ontario.

Yes. Ontario.
Not BC.
Ontario.

ONTARIO.
Ontario.
OnTaRIO.
ontario.

No matter how many times I say it, the fact remains the same.
I now reside in Ontario.

Ontario.

2010-11-21T23:18:00.001-08:00

Listen to my silence.

2010-07-17T14:34:00.000-07:00

Nothing in this world that's worth having comes easy.

No one spits like Gaston

2010-07-16T18:11:00.000-07:00

I got my license today.
After putting it off for the last three years I finally went and got it done.
So, I'm pretty stoked on life.

18

2010-07-06T18:56:00.000-07:00

It's my last day as an eighteen year old.
I just wanted to have it in writing.
Might I add...

Woo-Hoo!

2010-07-06T00:39:00.000-07:00

I want my songs to be for Jesus.

Let It Resonate

2010-06-20T00:08:00.000-07:00

Your face is like a bumper sticker to the thoughts that drive my heart.

But this sticker is causing too much commotion,
who was the genius that thought up super glue?

Somebody find a window scraper,
the paint that I had covered it with has peeled off.

That's what I get for buying cheap dollar store crap.

The shine from my old cleaner is diminishing.
I only wish I could justify polishing it again.

Engagement

2010-06-10T18:53:00.001-07:00

Sporadic Thoughts.

2010-06-09T00:05:00.000-07:00

I'm currently sitting on my bed, listening to the rain against the roof.

Definitely one of my favorite sounds in the entire world. I've been thinking over so many things recently, and right now is no exception.
My life has just changed so dramatically in the past 2 weeks alone.
I feel like I've grown more this past week then I have the entire year in some ways.
Jesus has been showing me who I am, who he loves me to be, someone that I haven't been for a very long time now it seems.

I feel alive.

There are still sad moments, where I sit and my mind wanders to places that make my heart ache.
But Jesus always calls me back.

I've been reading 1 Corinthians 13 over and over, and it makes me feel hopeful.
I want to continue to grow like this, and conform my heart to the Father's.
I want that so badly that it makes me physically shake!

I am so thankful that he hasn't given up on me.

Phineas & Ferb: Check it.

2009-12-30T19:55:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cd7Qop304Oo

It's love.

2009-12-07T22:43:00.001-08:00

2009-11-28T01:21:00.000-08:00

I like to be pursued.

Nature Shots

2009-11-21T22:09:00.001-08:00

Devoted

2009-05-21T09:49:00.000-07:00

My pencil touches the page and my hand starts to move of it's own accord.
Listening, not to the complex mechanics of the inner workings in my head,
but rather to the unsteady thumping that comes from deep within my chest.

This constant flow of warming words never seem to cease.
I'm continually baffled by the adoration that I have placed at your feet.

Fear of rejection does not phase, one who's heart no longer holds fort, in it's birth place.

Amanda & Percy's Photoshoot

2009-05-04T11:43:00.001-07:00

The epitome of Evangeline Joy

2009-04-30T13:42:00.001-07:00

1. I love the Ocean.

2. Laughter is one thing my life does not lack.

3. I like being the cause of someone’s smile.

4. It’s hard for me not to like people.

5. I have a scar on my forehead from when I was a kid and my brother mistook my head for a hockey puck.

6. I once threw a textbook at a boy’s head for flirting with me.

7. I wish to travel the world; I’m restless when I stay in one place too long.

8. My eyes are bluest when I first wake up.

9. I long for the gift of healing.

10. When I blush, my ears are the first to turn red.

11. I love listening to people speak in tongues, and am immediately struck with the need to interpret.

12. My primary love language is physical touch.

13. I hate one word more than any word in the entire world.

14. My dog is the only one who sits beside me when I'm singing in my house...and I'm still not sure if it's that she likes it or if she thinks I'm dying.

15. I often am too preoccupied with my thoughts to notice when I am about to walk into traffic.

16. I've never dyed my hair.

17. I love watching the snow fall.

18. Playing guitar and singing are two of my favorite pastimes.

19. I’m a major bookworm.

20. I often dream of death.

21. I secretly really like wearing skirts. (Well, it’s not so much a secret anymore)

22. I go barefoot as much as I possibly can; I love feeling the earth below my feet

23. I choke almost every time I swallow a pill.

24. I'm often mistaken for being a vegetarian. (I'm not)

25. When I was younger I almost blew up the motel I was staying at.

--------------

CONTINUED!

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26. When I'm trying to get to sleep, I rub my feet together/ against my bed or rock back and forth.

27. I have an extreme dislike of depending on others, and prefer to remain independent.

28. I hate being confined, whether it be in the physical sense or by rules and obligations. I need to feel free, or I may as well be dead. (melodramatic much)

29. I value depth and authenticity in my relationships.

30. I abhor petty fights and when people hold grudges. I find it childish and just all around ridiculous.

31.I find it hard to stay constant with one thing for a long period of time, I think the only time I've ever followed through on a long-term project was when I was teaching myself guitar.

32. I love to make things for people, and surprise them with it. It's one of my favorite things to do.

33. I fidget a lot, it's very rare to see me sitting still.

34. I find it helps me concentrate when I wiggle my toes, shake my leg, twirl my hair etc.

35. I really love rainy days.

36. I absolutely adore flowers, I think they're beautiful.

37. I can tell who people are by their hands.

To be continued....(if I don't forget)

Majesty - Delirious

2009-04-12T10:24:00.000-07:00

Here I am humbled by Your Majesty,
Covered by Your grace oh friend.
Here I am knowing I'm a sinful man,
Covered by the blood of the Lamb.
Now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
Since You laid down Your life,
The greatest sacrifice.

Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am,
Empty handed but alive in Your hands.

Here I am humbled by the love that You give,
Forgiven so that I can forgive.
So here I stand,
Knowing that I am Your desire,
Sanctified by glory and fire.
And now I've found the greatest love of all is mine,
Since You laid down Your life,
The greatest sacrife.

Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am,
Empty handed but alive in your hands.
Singing Majesty, Majesty.
Forever I am changed by Your love,
In the presence of Your Majesty.
Majesty.

We're singing Majesty, Majesty.
Your grace has found me just as I am,
And I'm nothing but alive in Your hands.
We're singing Majesty, Majesty.
Forever I am changed by Your love,
In the beauty of Your Majesty.
Majesty.

Oh Obligatory Child

2009-03-31T14:46:00.002-07:00

You seem to speak in a language different than my own.
Though we speak the same words.

My voice doesn't seem to penetrate.

Two different worlds, yet one and the same.
Sometimes I wonder - why do you even bother remembering my name?

Stuck

2009-03-26T10:24:00.001-07:00

I dream of days where this wall will have crumbled before you,
and we'll sit in the rubble, talking of how we used to be.

Soul wrenching silence will tear through the air,
as we run out of things to discuss.

You'll stand up and turn to leave, oblivious of the hand the reaches out behind you.
And I'll be left, with that bittersweet taste in my mouth.

Alone, with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company.

The melodious sound of the winds whistle, whispering softly in my ear, nonsensical noises they may be-
But a small comfort nonetheless.

My eyes will close.
And I'll begin to remember.

High Point Concert

2009-03-21T01:24:00.001-07:00

Psalm 30:5

2009-03-19T00:17:00.000-07:00

Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

A day with Leilani

2009-03-14T01:20:00.001-07:00

Westshore

2009-03-12T17:16:00.001-07:00

EJW Photography - I dare you to press this

2009-03-10T00:51:00.001-07:00

Ever More

2009-03-08T23:36:00.000-07:00

Sing to me, one more time
That song I long to hear
Your voice sends shivers down my spine
Making me draw near

Ever more lovely you are, to me.

Dominika Olewinski and Celeigha Mills

2009-03-08T17:20:00.001-07:00

One Truth

2009-03-01T20:44:00.000-08:00

I might be a little bit upset that I don't get to wear a stupid elaborate dress and go to a prom.

An Uneasy Comfort

2009-02-27T14:22:00.000-08:00

I yearn to have a reason, something to look forward too.
My eyes have dulled, and for some reason the world has turned black and white.
The splash of color here and there becomes ever more sparse as the days go by.

Once more, I'm left wondering.

Spreading the Good News?

2009-02-24T11:04:00.001-08:00

So, I was talking with my mom and dad today, and we were discussing the 'do's and do not's' of dealing with misconceptions when it comes to death.
And my mom recalled one my very first evangelical experience's, and I thought I'd share it with you.
I had completely forgotten about it, ahah.

I was in grade three, and somehow I got on the topic of Christianity with my friend, Anastasia. I'm not exactly sure what I said to the poor kid. But by the end of our conversation, she was pretty much devastated about the fact that her mom was going to hell.
I remember soothing her, promising that I would bring a bible the next day and that we would read it together.

I ended up forgetting, and things went back to normal.

And that was the beginning of my journey to becoming an Evangelist.
(I've gotten better at spreading the good news since then, no worries)

Marci Wagner

2009-02-21T21:57:00.001-08:00

Majesty

2009-02-21T01:41:00.000-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Af997mBZVh0

I'm constantly listening to this song, so I decided to post it.

Daniel Corbett

2009-02-19T23:51:00.001-08:00

Another one of those nights

2009-02-19T01:11:00.000-08:00

Voices veer towards my ear, whispering softly.
Though, I still can hear.

A wail threatens to overwhelm my ever hesitant voice box.
It seeded small and grew more persistent, with each step I took.

Failing forward, is better then merely failing.
Though, if I fail forward 'til the finish line...

What will be left of this lifeless lump of dirt, called I?

Bernie and I

2009-02-18T19:26:00.000-08:00

So, Bernie and I hung out in the backyard today; spent some quality time together, no bigs.
We took some pictures to commemorate the occasion.

Isn't he a fine looking fellow?

Danae Cecile

2009-02-16T00:05:00.000-08:00

Just some shots I took of my friend Danae, when we went on our epic picnic today. :) Hope you like 'em!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-14T15:57:00.000-08:00

I love you all!

Musically Inclined

2009-02-12T10:47:00.000-08:00

The instruments I've played over the years list! In order of what I first played.

Vocal - I consider it an instrument people, deal with it

Piano - My Dad tried to teach all five of us, me and my siblings, how to play piano. And he stayed at it until I was about 8-9. Sadly, Lynn, being the oldest and having been taught the most, ended up being the only one coming out of those lessons with any amount of skill in it. I think I'm in level two?

Baritone - All throughout Junior Music camp (when I lived in Ontario and attended Jackson's point camp) I played my beautiful Baritone...and then it broke. Senior Music camp at Sunrise was actually the first time I ever joined choir at a camp. (I secretly missed playing a brass instrument though) I learned to play the baritone at North York Temple. My old church, and last church that my dad worked at, with a traditional brass band.

Recorder - It was a mandatory skill to learn in grade 4. I remember thinking it was funny being surrounded by actual instruments, two of which I could play already, and being forced to learn the recorder? We didn't pick up the brass instruments/string instruments/jazz etc. until grade 5. And I ended up picking a different instrument all together, that I didn't know how to play! Which brings us to my next instrument

Horn - Yes, I chose Horn, over the two instruments I could already play, baritone and cornet. (I could play cornet because it had the same scale as the baritone. I would have picked that one to play originally instead of the baritone but my dad, my sister Marci and my brother Travis already played it. So I went for the biggest instrument I saw. Which happened to be a Baritone) My sister Lynn played the horn, so I just used hers. I didn't want to have to lug my baritone to and from school everyday, so I just switched instruments. It was kind of funny because I picked the second heaviest instrument that was there, why? I have no idea. So I was playing the Horn in school and the Baritone at church. It was a little ridiculous in hindsight.

Guitar - I had picked up the guitar plenty of times before I actually took an interest in playing it. We always had about three acoustics, and eventually one electric hanging around the house. When I did pick it up, it wasn't very long before I was playing it everyday, as much as I could before my fingers grew to sore to continue. I've been playing 'seriously' for about a year and a half. Mostly taught myself, then took a course at school and found out that they were just going to teach me stuff I already knew. But It was still a great class for theory. I really enjoyed doing theory work.
I have my own guitar now! I got it last year for Christmas. His name is Bernie.

And now! I'm planning on learning the violin. :) Let's see how that works out.

The only instruments I play anymore from that list are...well I still sing, quite often. I play piano sometimes, I play guitar pretty much everyday. And I pick up my dad's cornet from time to time and play a song or two. I haven't done that in a while come to think of it, I think I'll go grab it in a bit.

I really just miss my baritone. I still have the mouth piece! It's huge, and it pretty much engulfs my lips.
I'd probably really suck if I picked it up again now though, unfortunately.

Ah well. I've had a relatively musically inclined life.

I love music. Praise The LORD for thinking this up! Music is also my favorite way to praise God. I love singing for him, lifting my voice up for him, writing songs just for him.
Nothing makes me happier than to use my gifts for God.

How majestic he is.
Hallelujah!

I just really need a massage

2009-02-11T23:23:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a Media Arts class across town on Wednesdays now. It's really enjoyable, I had my first class today (because I skipped the actual first day...last week was not a good one).
And I basically just discussed different types of music, took pictures and checked out funky video programs.
Which is basically all I do in my free time anyway. If I could somehow incorporate writing and playing guitar/singing into that class, it would be the most incredible two and a half hours EVER!

I took some pictures at worship band practice tonight too. Check 'em out!

Say Cheese!

2009-02-11T00:55:00.001-08:00

So, I had a mini-photoshoot for my little friend Leilani today. :) It was a lot of fun, she's my favorite model, hands down. I got a few good shots of her with her mom as well. Krista Molia, who also happens to be my mentor and good friend. Hope you like them!

Mirror, mirror on the wall

2009-02-11T00:20:00.000-08:00

This picture, and the one in the an earlier blog named 'Uncomfortable in your own skin', were an experiment in a group of photographs that I called 'Skin'. I was trying to convey a sense of insecurity with body image.
I've grown up in a culture where there is no end to the things that are wrong with us.
Whether it be our weight, our skin, our teeth, anything! We pick it apart until we are left with nothing but a sense of dissatisfaction and bitterness.

I despise seeing girls and boys, of all ages, looking at themselves in the mirror and feeling disgust.
It pains my heart to think of what The LORD must feel when we pick ourselves apart. We are his creation, he made us in his image, and we are disgusted with it??
It's unthinkable.
Yet...sadly, it's the truth. We are affected by the media, by people's opinions, by the culture in which we live.

My prayer for this generation is that they could look past it all. Everything to do with the 'perfect image' as defined by our culture.
That we might be able to look past it, to what really matters.

I was getting a little irritated with some kids the other day, who were insulting each other. They calling each other fat, ugly, horse-face, just really nasty stuff.
And I just asked them why, why does it matter if you're fat, or ugly? (what society defines as fat and ugly)
Who cares?
Outward appearance holds no say in the court of The LORD. You can't get into heaven by looking good on the outside. Whether it be with image, wealth or status.
None of it matters.

It's as it says in the bible in Matthew 6:19-21

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Beauty will fade and time will shrivel us up like old prunes.

What will you have to turn to when all that you held dear fades away?

Ah, what humor!

2009-02-10T11:15:00.001-08:00

Money?
Think of the person who invented toilet paper.

They're ROLLING in it.

I have to start living.

2009-02-08T00:34:00.000-08:00

My mind needs to return and be in unity with my body.

My heart needs to find a home within my own chest.

X{LR}:8

2009-02-07T01:38:00.000-08:00

I just really miss these people.

What a freaking awesome promise

2009-02-07T01:31:00.000-08:00

Revelation 21:4

He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

2009-02-07T01:21:00.000-08:00

Isaiah 51:3

The LORD will surely comfort Zion
and will look with compassion on all her ruins;
he will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the LORD.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing.

I just noticed:

2009-02-06T23:55:00.000-08:00

I sing better when I'm angry.

Uncomfortable in your own skin

2009-02-06T21:15:00.001-08:00

A beauty unseen by the naked eye

Haunts me, probes deeper, into my innermost thoughts

I wonder if you’ll let me see it

Can I possibly look beyond my selfish vanity?

Beyond, to the heart that beats unevenly

In a place where shadows bide their time

Seeking revenge on that which they cannot grasp

Sooth the pain of the forsaken

Those of which I took for granted

My eyes long to be shaken

From the glaze that covers their surface

I yearn to see what only you can

Beyond the surface

Unfulfilled Anticipation

2009-02-03T10:25:00.001-08:00

A timid confidant raps softly at my door,
heavy is the heart he holds.

I lay waiting for you.

My pen preaches dead words to a dying breed.
Scathing secular words secure your future.

I sit waiting for you.

Blurry eyes burn holes into the ever hesitant doorknob,
twisted in a half-open half-closed state.

I stand waiting for you.

Open the damn door.

Even if you're crying tears of frustration

2009-01-26T13:15:00.000-08:00

I CAN DO THIS!

Philippians 4:13 - I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

I CAN DO ANYTHING! MWAHAHA!

This is my resolve.
You know what's weird?

I actually really like learning, when I'm at school it's not as boring for me as most kids.
Well..depending whether or not I had gotten enough sleep the night before or eaten breakfast.
It's true what they say, if you don't eat in the mornings your brain can't take anything in.
Which is probably why I suck at morning classes. ; )
It's just really hard to get out of bed in the mornings.

Maybe I should start sleeping on the floor.

2009-01-24T23:38:00.000-08:00

I no longer have a secret. (sigh)

I suck at this game.

2009-01-23T20:21:00.001-08:00

I have a secret.

What fills my mind

2009-01-22T18:13:00.000-08:00

Tender thoughts of sweeping the nation with fire
To stray means to stay, with the secular souls
Paranoia burns my mind with desire
I fight to fulfill my goals

Something to remember

2009-01-14T10:47:00.000-08:00

Matthew 6:25-34

Do Not Worry

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life^[b]?

28"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' 32For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

My New Years Resolutions

2008-12-31T22:37:00.000-08:00

Learn to love

Live up to your name

Re-find your Joy

Spend more time with Jesus

Learn to listen

Emulate Jesus' life

Learn to fear

Pass the twelfth grade

Christmas

2008-12-10T13:50:00.000-08:00

Christmas is my absolute favourite time of year! I just love it so much. It's the one time of year that my family comes together once more. Everyone travels from wherever they are across Canada and return home to me.
I'll have a full house again.
Which will be such a relief, I'm not used to having such an empty household.
It's too quiet, so quiet in fact that it actually gets on my nerves sometimes. Weird huh?

I always wonder if God planned it to be this way. For the atmosphere of Christmas to so joyful and warm. Well, it is for me anyway, and (I believe) anyone who celebrates it with the true meaning in their hearts.

FLIP! I'm just so excited to see all my siblings back home again. Marci comes home this Friday, then Trav gets back on the 13th and then Lynn gets back a few days after that!
Travis, Marci and I will be working at family services together as well. That should be fun.
Haha, the Wagners will take over The Salvation Army!

By the way, thanks for the prayers (if anyone read the previous blog and happened to pray, haha) because I can tell someone out there was praying for me.

I feel better today. I think I may have an inkling of why I've been having these intense emotions all the time but I'm not sure, I'm still figuring things out.
Anyway, continued prayer would be appreciated.

And I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!

Dreams

2008-11-19T14:28:00.000-08:00

Gentle whispers speak to me

Oh so soft and sweet

In a tantalizing melody

We come back here to meet

Sleep well, sleep deep

Take a break from this throng

Leaving behind all you keep

Sing to me a new song

Then into your thoughts I’ll seep

And when the Dawn breaks

I hope you’ll realize, my sheep

I’ve been there all along

Broken Silence

2008-11-18T12:19:00.000-08:00

Resting against a wall, sat a silent observer to a young girls solitude, comfort in the form of an object. Speechless until the moment it would be noticed once more. A gap from the blinds on the neighbouring wall cast a faint light upon the lifeless instrument, making it shine bright with an inviting radiance. The room felt clausterphopic with silence, anticipation so thick you could taste it. The patient companion that awaited notice shone in the sunlight, glowing the color of a red sunset, its six strings slowly changing key with each breeze that passed by. It wouldn’t be long now.
The sound of a sigh ripped through the tense atmosphere, like the sound of a tearing clothe. The creak of a mattress was heard as the inhabitant of the room rolled onto her back from her sprawled position on bed. If the music maker could breathe, it would be holding its breath. The girl sat up, agonizingly slowly, and touched her feet to the ground. She turned to look at her friend and cocked her head in what seemed to be a deep contemplation. Coming to a decision she stood, and in one long stride, crossed the room and scooped up her guitar, cradling it in her arms as she would a child.
Walking backwards slowly, she let herself fall back onto the bed once more. Running her hands over the body, she left a trail of fingerprints behind as if confirming her existence on this earth. Moving her hand up the strings, the girl placed her hands on the fret board, as she had many times before and... hesitated. Her companion seemed to quiver with impatience, urging the girl to break into her silence, rid herself of this choking atmosphere! She gave in to the plea, and began to play, one tantalizing note at a time.
The air shivered, and the blinds rattled in time to her playing. It was as if nature longed to join in, be included with this strange ritual. Her fingers danced across the strings, she had never felt more alive. Then, as soon as it began, it stopped. The girl stood, placing her guitar back on its place on the wall, and walked out of the room, leaving behind the vibration from the last note, hanging in the air. ‘Til next time’ it seemed to whisper softly fading away into the silence.

Adam & Eve

2008-11-16T13:08:00.000-08:00

“Eve was not taken out of Adam's head to top him,

neither out of his feet to be trampled on by him,

but out of his side to be equal with him,

under his arm to be protected by him,

and near his heart to be loved by him.”

-Matthew Henry

My Spidey Senses Are Tingling

2008-11-12T22:30:00.001-08:00

I don't understand what's going on.

The atmosphere is tense, the air is suffocating.
Pray my friends, I feel something is on the rise.

And I fear what it may be.

Just a thought

2008-11-11T18:17:00.000-08:00

Something I've realized lately is how hard it is to let go of the past.
All my memories seem so real to me, so important.

That might be because my memory isn't the greatest and the fact that I have memories is something to be thankful for.
I don't know.

Then there are the memories that I remember at the most inopportune times. Y'know, those repressed memories that you hide in the depths of your soul.
Now those memories I could do without.

I just find it so hard to surrender my everything to God. My memories are so precious to me, they hold onto my dreams, they make up who I am today.
Though really...

Who am I anyway?

Patches

2008-11-09T21:08:00.001-08:00

I love making new friends, it's very exciting.
They always seem to have something to teach me.
I wonder, what do you have in store for me?

I feel shivers going down my spine.
Gods hands are at work, well, Gods hands are always at work but now... now I can almost feel him threading the quilt that is my life.
Patch by patch it's all coming together.

What are you cooking up big guy, y'wanna let me in on the secret?

I'm a big kid now

2008-11-06T21:27:00.001-08:00

Wow.

Yeah just, wow.

I just found my old blog (which I had completely forgotten about writing), and I'm so amazingly grateful that I grew up.
It was a blog from when I was in grade 8/grade 9. I can't believe how immature I used to be. It was actually shocking to read what I used to write like and how I used to portray my feelings.
I'm just glad that I only had 3 or 4 readers, haha.

I actually feel so blessed right now to be honest because I know of a lot of kids my age who still talk the way I used to. Who still struggle with anger issues on a two year olds level.

Haha, here's the title of one of my old blogs "This little old lady ate her poodle yesterday..now that ive got ur attention..." there is also "PEANUTS AND CRACKERS!!!!!" and "Beware if u suffer from pregnancy or have a shortage of breath in tense situations ill advise u not to read this..."

I think you get my point..
I was an idiot.

'til next time.

My Place On The Rock

2008-11-05T15:03:00.000-08:00

Watching the sunrise,

from my place on the rock.

I ponder the unknown;

the questions for which answers

are just out of reach.

The sturdy rock on which I sat

was my foundation, my companion.

For the time being.

How long will it last?

Will it erode before I grow old

and death comes to take me away?

Or stand proud and dignified until the end?

Uncertainties never seem to leave,

feelings of no faith come to haunt

the one whos life is in the hands of another.

Change will be as it has been,

may as well let it alone.

Sleep is the best thing;

sleep so no temptation befalls us.

Us whom hunger for more, more.

This I think as I watch the sunrise,

from my place on the rock.

What a day to wear black pants..

2008-11-05T14:51:00.000-08:00

Doritos are good

Doritos are fun

I like Doritos

Yum, yum, yum.

I wrote that, just now...
That's right.

Be in awe.

Enneagram

2008-11-03T14:44:00.001-08:00

So I took another test...well actually I took a bunch of other tests. All under the name of 'Enneagram' tests.

And I'm at a loss at what I am because I keep getting stuck with 3 different primary numbers. (They use numbers to seperate each personality type)

I keep getting 4, 7, 2 and even sometimes 9 but not so much that I'll count it.

Type 4 is called the 'Individualist', whereas 7 is called the 'Enthuisiast and 2 is the 'Helper'.

The first test I took I was 4 hands down but that didn't seem right so I took another and I was 7, with 4 close behind, two wasn't lagging either.
I think I might be 7w4 (can you even do that?) but then I don't know how 2 would fit in there... I don't know.

Parts of all three of them are very close to who I am. Soooooooo I guess 7 + 4 + 2 = 13.

So I'm 13!

Ominous..

Poop

2008-11-02T23:52:00.001-08:00

This is what happens when Evangeline leaves her account signed in on my computer

----------------

SWITCH

----------------

It's back to me (Evangeline) Joshua Mills is a crazy child but he did remind me of a site from the title of this blog

(Poop, seriously?).

It's a site made by nurse's dedicated to problems related to poop. Funny thing is, I heard about this site from my 21 year old sister. We laughed together over it for a good 45 minutes.

What exciting lives we lead.

Check it out for laughs. The title of the blog will link you to it.

Embrace Me

2008-11-02T22:56:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel the need to just be held and held...and held some more?

This past weekend I just felt this overwhelming need to be hugged. Not just by anyone either (though I do appreciate a good hug).
I just wanted Jesus to hug me.

Really now, is that to much to ask?

I often wonder what his hugs would feel like. There are so many different ways to hug! You could do a I'm-going-to-knock-the-wind-out-of-you hug, a let-me-suffocate-you-in-my-armpit-hug, a I'm-going-to-squeeze-you-so-tight-that-you-can-no-longer-breathe hug. I could go on...but I'll refrain. (Mostly because I'm exhausted from this past weekend and I need to get to bed sooner than later)

There are so many different ways to hug someone. Though I only ever seem to think of one hug that I think Jesus would give.
It's the kind of hug that I don't recieve very often. One of those special hugs, anyone know what I mean?
Or am I just nuts? (rhetorical question, thank you)

I don't even really know how to describe it, it's just the kind of hug where you feel so secure and so loved that you never want that hug to end. You just want to stand there forever, making things awkward for the people that are trying to edge their way around you because, of course, you had decided to have this hug in the middle of a hallway.
I suppose you could describe it as a bear hug, being engulphed by the arms that hold you.

I want that.
I need that.
I crave that.

I just want to know how it feels.

Digging Deeper

2008-10-30T15:03:00.000-07:00

This was the entrance essay I wrote for X{LR}:8 last year. I was looking through my old documents the other day and found it.

I love the way, when I read my old writing, it brings back all the feelings I had at the time. It's like conversing with myself through time. Hi younger Vangi!

----------------

Hey, this is Evangeline Wagner speaking! (You can call me Vangi) So you want to know about me? Well let’s see, I suppose I’ll start with the beginning. That always seems to be the best place to start.

God has worked wonders in my life, all throughout it. I’ve just started to recognize recently just how much a part of my life he’s become these past few years. He’s been helping me get closer to my family, and even though they don’t live near me, he’s given me strong Christian friends. Yet even with all this I’ve always had this deep feeling that I’m meant to do more BE more. I have yet to tap into what it is though I know where it’s coming from now. Ready and Willing (A program I recently took part in) helped me out with that. I know now its God who put the yearning inside of me. I suppose wanting to find out why he placed the need in me was one of the reasons I’m applying for X{LR}:8.

Over the years I’ve worked with kids a lot in different programs. Summer ’04 I took a leadership program at the town’s recreational centre. That summer God taught me a lot about patience and friendship. Then in summer ’05 and ’06 I took two more leadership programs at my camp. (Camp sunrise) In those three years I learned much about myself and others. God affected me most in summer ’05 though, it was the year I accepted Jesus into my life totally and completely surrendering to him. That year I felt the need for something, more than ever. I had accepted God into my heart countless times before that but I never actually accepted the change that he would bring into my life. Summer ‘05 was the summer I was reborn.

Summer ’05 was when I felt God calling me to be something important when I grew up. When I was younger the two careers I was mostly focused on were either working as a fireman or a nurse. Both of which involve helping people and since that summer I’ve upgraded my career choice. Now I believe God is calling me to be a youth pastor or at least someone who works with youth, which ties into my passion for working with kids.

One cool thing that’s happened to me recently is that God has been telling me for a while now to get more involved in people’s lives and influence them with his word. I had a friend actually sit down with me to watch a video about the passion of the Christ and she was actually interested and willingly talked about it! A major victory! I want to be able to help people get to know my God like I have been getting to know him over the past few years. I want them to experience the sheer joy of having him always by their side! I can’t imagine not having him with me everywhere I go…I don’t want anyone to have to go through anything without him!

I’m applying for X{LR}:8 to go to the next level. God has recently had someone tell me he was anointing me a leader in the Christian community. (Esther anointment was what it was called) What I’m doing now is trying to live up to it and figure out exactly what he means by it. I believe I’d benefit from this program immensely; it’s exactly what I’ve been looking for and what I need to step it up a notch.

Intimacy with the Almighty

2008-10-29T14:48:00.000-07:00

This is an essay I wrote a while back on a book titled 'Intimacy with the Almighty' (hense the title of this blog).

----------------
Deep things are intriguing: no statement has ever been closer to the truth. They pull you in, triggering the curiosity in us that had been sitting unused, collecting dust for far too long.
I believe this is why the Bible is studied so intensely, there is so much wonder, so much excitement that lies within those pages.
A friend of mine once commented to me that if we have the bible, there is no need for other books! We have romance, adventure, mystery, poetry, miracles and so much more wrapped into one! Now, I couldn’t agree with her being a lover of all great literature; but it got me thinking.

If The Bible has so much to offer, why is that we put off reading it?

It’s as Peter once said about wanting to do the right things but not and not wanting to do the bad things but continuing down that path anyway. It’s strange. How we shy away from God-like things even though we so desperately yearn for them. Why is that?

Charles Swindoll goes on later on in this book to speak of Advertisement. How it makes us want more and more and more and more and…well you get the point. It reminded me off a song by Shania Twain ‘Ka-Ching’ is its name. I stapled it to the back of this sheet.
Go read it now… … … Done?
(In this case it's just at the end of the blog)

Well what did you think? Assuming that we are thinking the same thing I’m going to agree with you. It’s SO true! We see advertisements all over and we think in our minds “I NEED that”. We don’t need anything! (Besides food, shelter, water, love) But I’m talking about material goods. God doesn’t say it’s bad to own material goods, don’t get me wrong. But it IS bad when you start to idolize them. Ten Commandments people; think back to your Sunday school days.

It seems that I never have time for God anymore, do you ever feel that way? Or maybe you feel the opposite; that he no longer has time for you anymore. I advise you to take a step back and look at your life. I think you’ll find that it isn’t he who has stopped reaching out.

It’s you.

I’m reminded of a book I once read “Can you hear me” By Brad Jersak. In the book it talks about ‘tuning in’. It talks about tuning in to Gods station. That Gods voice is like radio waves; continuously trying to hook you in. We just have to find the right station. I have yet to figure that out. I find it so difficult to find time in my everyday life to just sit down and talk to him.
It’s not that I don’t have the time though; it’s just that I don’t seize the opportunities when he holds them out in front of my face.

We live in a greedy little world--That teaches every little boy and girl
To earn as much as they can possibly--Then turn around and
Spend it foolishly
Weve created us a credit card mess
We spend the money we dont possess
Our religion is to go and blow it all
So its shoppin every sunday at the mall

All we ever want is more
A lot more than we had before
So take me to the nearest store
Can you hear it ring
It makes you wanna sing
Its such a beautiful thing--ka-ching!

Lots of diamond rings
The happiness it brings
Youll live like a king
With lots of money and things

When youre broke go and get a loan
Take out another mortgage on your home
Consolidate so you can afford
To go and spend some more when
You get bored

All we ever want is more
A lot more than we had before
So take me to the nearest store
Lets swing

Dig deeper in your pocket
Oh, yeah, ha
Come on I know youve got it
Dig deeper in your wallet

Oh

All we ever want is more
A lot more than we had before
So take me to the nearest store
Can you hear it ringIt makes you wanna sing
Youll live like a king
With lots of money and things

Ka-ching!

Feel

2008-10-23T15:03:00.000-07:00

I feel alive when I’m cold, when I’m numb to the core.

Because it is only then...

I realize the significance of warmth, once more.

My Love Language

2008-10-21T20:31:00.000-07:00

So I've been delving into my personality lately, as you can see from my last post, and I decided to take a quiz to figure out my primary and secondary love languages. The results are as seen below. (P.S If you click on the title of this blog it'll take you to the site of the quiz, have fun!)

The 5 Love Languages
My Score:

Words of Affirmation - 6

Quality Time - 10

Receiving of Gifts - 3

Acts of Service - 0

Physical Touch - 11

I can't say I was surprised at the results to be honest, I guessed pretty much dead on what I was before I took the test. Though it was interesting to see that Acts of Service are pretty much non-existant in my love language world. Haha, that one is my mom's primary love language. I'd bet my favorite pair of fuzzy socks on it.
Though I'd say most mom's have that as their primary love language, maybe mine will change drastically when I have a family! Hah, only time will tell.
I'm pretty sure that I'm the only one in my family you has the love language of physical touch...too bad. Well, at least my mom likes my hugs. : )
And I'm sure Jesus would too.
And that's all that matters.

Until next time.

ENFP

2008-10-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I took a test the other day (a long and boring one) when my sister was up for thanksgiving and I learned that my personality type was something called an ENFP. So I looked it up on the internet and I found out what ENFP's are. They apparantly take up only 5% of the overall population. (I'm a rare breed, haha)
I was surprised at how accurate it was to be honest, usually my results are pretty dumb and make me sound like a crazy, all over the place, over-emotional smart-alec. (Which isn't completely unaccurate in some cases..)
Of course it's not a perfect description of who I am, there are things that made me cringe at the thought of me being that way, but it'd be impossible to be completely correct.
I'd be impressed if someone could!
Here's the website I found it at. Go check it out and see which one you are!

This one for the test: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

This one for the details on your type after you take the test: http://typelogic.com/

Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving

by Marina Margaret Heiss

General:

ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of an often bizarre cosmic whole. They want to both help (at least, their own definition of "help") and be liked and admired by other people, on bo th an individual and a humanitarian level. They are interested in new ideas on principle, but ultimately discard most of them for one reason or another.

Social/Personal Relationships:

ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to the more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality. They are outgoing, fun, and genuinely like people. As SOs/mates they are warm, affectionate (lots of PDA), and disconcertingly spontaneous. However, attention span in relationships can be short; ENFPs are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting about the older ones for long stretches at a time. Less mature ENFPs may need to feel they are the center of attention all the time, to reassure them that everyone thinks they're a wonderful and fascinating person.

ENFPs often have strong, if unconvential, convictions on various issues related to their Cosmic View. They usually try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade people gently of the rightness of these views; this sometimes results in their neglecting their nearest and dearest while flitting around trying to save the world.

Work Environment:

ENFPs are pleasant, easygoing, and usually fun to work with. They come up with great ideas, and are a major asset in brainstorming sessions. Followthrough tends to be a problem, however; they tend to get bored quickly, especially if a newer, more interesting project comes along. They also tend to be procrastinators, both about meeting hard deadlines and about performing any small, uninteresting tasks that they've been assigned. ENFPs are at their most useful when working in a group w ith a J or two to take up the slack.

ENFPs hate bureaucracy, both in principle and in practice; they will always make a point of launching one of their crusades against some aspect of it.

Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving

by Joe Butt

ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most soft-hearted people are ENFPs.

ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Som etimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped.

One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama. Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and acting.

ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.

ENFPs are global learners. Close enough is satisfactory to the ENFP, which may unnerve more precise thinking types, especially with such things as piano practice ("three quarter notes or four ... what's the difference?") Amazingly, some ENFPs are adept at exacting disciplines such as mathematics.

Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, moreso even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone , especially on a regular basis.

One ENFP colleague, a social worker, had such tremendous interpersonal skills that she put her interviewers at ease during her own job interview. She had the ability to make strangers feel like old friends.

ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results. More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.

Just for the pun of it.

2008-10-20T13:55:00.000-07:00

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wans't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says : "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, it's Not Unusual."

Two cows are standing next to eachother in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't belive you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

An invisible man marries and invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

A man woke up ina hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon recieving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good)... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally... There was a person who posted 18 puns on her blog in hopes that at least ten of the puns would make her readers laugh.
No pun in ten did.

Christ Follower

2008-09-29T16:49:00.000-07:00

What does being a christian mean to you?
Or rather, what does Christianity mean to you?

This is the question that I'm going to ask my small group to contemplate the next time we meet. So I figured if I'm to ask them this question, I should have an answer lined up so I can share my interpertation.

I mulled it over a bit before realizing that it's not the type of question that I need to come up with some sort of clever, witty response for.

Christianity to me, is not just a lifestyle with Jesus Christ, it's a relationship. Though I'm sure you've heard this description before, there is no need for me to delve deeper in this case. It's as simple as that. Being a Christian, even if you go through the motions each week of attending church, reading your bible, giving up ten percent of what you earn, means nothing if a spiritual connection hasn't been made.

Jesus would rather spend time with you then have you ignore him because you're so busy giving off the outward appearance of a 'top-knotch' christian. (Whoo, run-on sentence, try to say all that in one breathe)

I've got to say, I don't especially like the term 'Christian' so much anymore either. It has so much propaganda and awful predjudice tied in with it now.

I vaguely remember a sermon my dad gave once about this, and he spoke of how he refers to himself as a 'Christ-follower' as opposed to a christian. And I saw it as the perfect name for those of us who follow Christ to pick up and wear proudly.

I am a Christ Follower.

What do you picture when you hear that statement? I saw an image of a little girl tagging after Jesus holding onto the hem of his cloak as they walked along.

Why he was wearing a cloak, I don't know. Haha, but it was a nice picture. I'd like to see myself as that little girl, she was so close to him. But I know that at the moment I've fallen a little behind. I'm merely following his footsteps in hopes that I'll eventually be close enough to grab on to his 'cloak' (Hah, oh dear..) once more!

It will happen, I'm going to push on.

"I'll praise you through this storm, and I will lift my hands".

Loneliness

2008-09-25T20:59:00.000-07:00

It was a bitter cold autumn day, seemingly colder because of the Ocean’s damp fog rolling in over the breakers. The sun burned down with a deceiving red light, giving the impression of warmth. It was a long anticipated moment of beauty that only happened once a day. The time the sun goes to sleep is the time it shines the brightest, this day was no exception. Only, something was different, it was as if the sky was on fire. It cast a burning red and orange light onto the one lonely upturned face below. Bright blue captivated eyes stared up with an intense gaze, burning a hole in the sky, as if challenging the sun to a duel of passions. A falling leaf broke the spell of the stare between the two companions and a small pale hand reached out to capture it in its fingertips. The hand began to close around its prize when suddenly the winds changed course, the leaf was blown away. Off over the sea to a place far away from here. The hand hesitated as if wanting to follow then slowly fell back to the body to which it was attached.

The body of a girl, small and fragile, curled up into a ball looking as if she would disappear at any moment, if not for those eyes, those cold piercing eyes. She was a delicate looking child of an age unknown to all, including herself. She sat upon a rock that was easily ten times her size, her arms folded tightly around her legs, as if to protect herself from some nameless enemy. The girl’s long golden hair swirled around her in a captivating manner, as if dancing with the wind. The taste of a bitter sweet ending, as well as the piquant salt from the sea mingled together in her mouth. The smell of seaweed wafted through the air, though she no longer noticed it. She sat there, as she had done many times before and waited. For what, she could not say, but she would continue to wait until something, anything, noticed her. She had started out with hope, hope that she would one day be discovered, but now she merely felt a slight familiarity with it all. She had fallen into a schedule, which she followed day by day without fail. She had become...comfortable, with her situation.

She shivered and drew in closer to herself, if that was even possible, in both mind and body. Pressing her face against the cool flesh of her legs she let out a breath, watching as it turned to mist and then slowly disappeared taken away once more, by the winds of change. Her ears twitched as the sound of rhythmic splashing broke into her silent thoughts. She kept very still, keeping her head down as the sound grew closer and closer, anticipation weighed on her chest like an anchor. The sound stopped, it was right beside her. She raised her head with difficulty, it felt like a magnet wanting to be pulled right back down again. She fought the magnets plea for safety and looked towards the sound that had so suddenly broken her solitude. It was a man, with flowing brown hair and a scraggly unkempt beard. He was standing in, what looked like, what was meant to be a canoe; roughly made with more of an oval shape to it than anything. Perhaps it was a mix between a row boat and a canoe. He wore brown slacks with a gold-coloured ribbon, which looked to be meant for a belt, and an off-white blouse underneath a matching brown vest.

He waited patiently as she took in his appearance and watched her carefully in return, with an air of wariness surrounding them both. Abruptly, he reached out his hand in a position that looked like he was almost expecting her to place something in it. She let her eyes fall from his face to the protruding limb in front of her, it was darkly coloured, like wet wood on a tree. It was calloused as though he had worked hard all his life. Slowly she unwound her arms from around her body and let her legs fall as they willed in a cross legged position; she placed her hands in her lap and looked down. Her hands were small and delicate looking, not at all like the sturdy hand outstretched toward her, and they were slightly dirty from climbing the rock on which she sat. She glanced up to find the man in the same position as he had been before, a look of determination upon his face. The girl placed her hands upon the rock, lifting herself into a crouched position and pushed upon the rock to boost herself in one smooth motion onto her feet. The man blinked and moved as if to take his hand away but stopped himself at the last minute, the determination settling back on his face once more.

Her dress, a tattered white thing that fell a little past her knees, twisted and flowed around her legs, as if celebrating its new found freedom. Her hair danced harder than ever, across her face and into the air it flew. She cocked her head to the side and studied him a moment more, then slowly reached out her hand towards the place where his was held out. A flash of hesitation caused her hand to pause, almost as if she was expecting him to be blown away to join the leaf out over the sea. His hair was being tossed around by the wind and his clothes blew this way and that but his hand never wavered. She held her breath and moving her hand into his, she caught a hold of it. His hand grasped hers engulfing it in his own, showing exactly how much of a size difference there was between the two, and his face broke into a smile. She let out the breath she had forgotten she had been holding, and let herself be pulled off the rock into the strange boat. Slipping off the familiar firm foundation she trashed her day by day schedule in one fell swoop. Standing in the boat with the stranger she felt the line of her mouth curve upward in an unfamiliar motion, she was no longer alone.

I need you to love me

2008-09-07T22:59:00.000-07:00

I need you to love me
Can't face this one alone
Take my hand in yours Lord
Never let me go

Take all that I am
Take all that I've been
Throw it away
As far as the east is from the west

Purify my heart, my soul
Make me new
Wipe away my regrets
All my unspoken fears

----

I need your guidance for this one God, can't make it on my own. I know you never give me more than I can handle. But God, don't you think you're overestimating me a bit here? I'm so weak... Stay by me lord, that I may have some semblance of strength. Help me not to stray from you, hear my plea and heed my words. I beg of you, please Lord.
I can't do this on my own.

Surrender

2008-09-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

"You, O LORD, keep my lamp burning; My God turns my darkness into light"

I found this verse recently and it just jumped off the page and did a dance in front of my eyes! (Needless to say, it caught my attention)

I can't even figure out how to put into words what reading this verse made me feel. (wow, that's a mouthful)

It just, made me feel so... reassured I guess. I had been trying to do everything by myself again this summer. Even though I asked him for help so many times, I never fully surrendered. I find it so incredibly hard!

It's strange that this verse had that reaction from me because it doesn't seem like that's what it's talking about at all. Surrendering that is, but look at it from my perspective will you?

For God to truly take my darkness and turn it into light I have to learn to let go; to completely surrender. Everything I'm holding onto, everything I'm thinking, everything I'm feeling, just everything!

I used to have this fear of losing myself if I followed God's path completely; that I wouldn't be able to continue living life the way I was with a clear conscience.

Thinking about it now I realize that I never was able to do everything with a clear conscience anyway, so what was the point in hesitating?

...There was none...

God was with me even throughout the Vangi's-being-an-idiot-again times. Not to say that I don't have those times now but I'm glad to report they don't come up quite as often.

Tug-a-war with God...I don't suggest it. He's had a lot of practice, not just with me (though he has) but even looking way back to biblical times. Jonah is the first man that comes to mind. And his game went on for a long time. I'm just thankful God never sent a big fish to swallow me up when he would tug on that darned metaphorical rope.

Another that comes to mind is Moses, and though his 'game' with God may not seem as prominent as Jonah's, he definitely had his fair share of tugging. Though unlike Jonah, instead of running away his strategy was excuses.

And obviously, if you know the story of Moses, that didn't work very well at all. He ended up going to Egypt anyway with his brother as his mouth piece.
There are many other situations in the Bible with certain disciples getting into a game with God. Beating around the bush so to speak, but to list them all would take forever. Just have a look-see yourself. It's all in the Holy Book.

Surrendering... I'm guessing those two had a difficult time with it as well... it's encouraging in a way. That men like them, with such important tasks placed upon them by God would face the same difficulties as I do now.

Well maybe someday I'll be able to use my game with God as a learning experience for others. Just like my sisters game was a learning experience for me! I learned a lot of my 'knowledge' of relationships from my big sister.
Watching her grow up and go through the boyfriend stage, I was a little turned off the whole dating thing. Don't get me wrong that's not the only reason I haven't gone out and become boy-crazy. Growing up I also had friends go through the motions of dating, and I was always the one at the end to pick up the pieces. I saw it as a waste of time. I saw those relationships as a joke, for-the-moment type things. And as a kid I had a completely different view of relationships then most kids my age. I always thought that the first boy I dated would be the one I would marry. As well as I was quite shy compared to the other girls in my grade when it came to talking about my feelings, unfortunatly still am. Something that I have to learn to deal with myself I guess, all in good time.
As for my sister, as she grew older and matured she, also having learned from her experience with past relationships (Probably more so than I did considering the fact she actually went through them) would talk to me about things she experienced in her own game of tug-a-war with God. She was especially adamant that I wouldn't go out and do exactly what she did.

She was my biggest role model growing up, I looked up to her and valued her friendship more than anything else.

Hmmmm, I smell nostalgia. A little blast from the past there...

Speaking of games with God, you know what game he wants to play with me? (Not in the metaphorical sense anymore) Karaoke!

Yes, I know. It's not exactly a game but it would be fun... hahaa imagine having a karaoke machine in heaven?

You know what I'm going to do when I go to heaven? I'm gonna dance with Jesus!

Honestly, there is nothing else I would rather do. I want to sing and dance, just for him. Show him how much I love him.

The thing is, with me, the way I express my love is through touch, and words, but physical touch is a big thing for me. That's why it's so frustrating not being able to reach out and touch him. Especially when he's so near, when I feel the holy spirit rushing through my body, embracing me with that tingly sensation... So when we dance I'll finally be able to grasp his hand...

I have a feeling though, that it will be some time yet before I am taken away to be with my Father.

So, until then. I'll continue to sing and dance here on earth, as loud and proud as I can! So Jesus will look down on me and smile.

To bring a smile to his face...There's nothing I want more.

Friendship Questions for God

2008-08-29T21:19:00.000-07:00

I found these questions in a book entitled "Can you hear me" By Brad Jersak. You should check it out, great book. So I read through them and asked God what the answers were and he answered with surprisingly quick responses. Well...I guess he always does I just don't usually get them right off the bat. It was interesting, he had changed the answers from the last time I had talked to him.

What's grieving you these days? Why?

You don't spend as much time with me as you used to, come back to me. I miss you.

What's exciting you these days? Why?

Your fire for turning people to me, the passion you have when it comes to dancing on injustice. Why? Because you are using the gifts I have given you, just try not to hold back. Remember befriend the world and you make an enemy of me. Evangelize to your hearts content my dear, dear Evangeline Joy.

What do you like about me? Why?

I like how uncomfortable you get when people Gossip, I love the fact that you want to help the wronged, the 'insignificant' as others see them, the ones I cherish with all my heart. Why? Because it shows how much you love me, how much you've grown.

What do you see when you look at me?

Your Love, passion, sense of injustice, righteous anger. A child that one day will come into the kingdom of heaven.
I see how much effort you're putting out, I see your need, your yearning to come closer to me. It will happen child, have patience.

When was the last time you wept over me? Why?

I weep for you everyday you feel broken, and cry out for me to comfort you. I'm here child, let me in. Pay no heed to the thoughts swirling around in your head, they are of the world. Pass by the static and reach the truth. I love you, I'll never let you go. I'll fight for you!

When was the last time you laughed over me? Why?

On Sunday, when you were up there singing. You connected with me! I was so overjoyed, that I was laughing with happiness.

If you could meet me anywhere face-to-face, where would it be?

Out on the ocean, the creation that you adore so much I want to share it with you. Watch you stare in awe at the sight of ocean in every direction. Yes, that's right. I know of your dream to go to a place in the ocean where there is no land in sight. I want to share that experience with you. I want you to step onto the water and walk hand in hand with me on the ocean's surface.

If my heart is your home, what does that home look like?

It's a place with lots of sunshine! I know you love the sunshine, the oceans breeze drifting through the windows and filling the home with that beach-y scent. Though it can be cold at times when the sun comes out it warms right back up again. A small cove is where I rest, a secret quiet place. A place of reflection and peace. I wish to share that place with you. But you have yet to reach that part of your heart completely.

If you could play a game with me, what would it be? Why?

Well,I'm sick of tug-a-war Vangi, lets try using our imaginations. I know you love to make things up. How about tree hopping? When we hop from tree to tree and see who can make the farthest jump?

Okay, that last one made me laugh, tree hopping? Alright God, I think he has to much fun with that question.
I encourage you, whoever might be reading this, to try out the exercise. Perhaps you might even learn something you weren't aware of.

Well then, until my next post.
I bid you adieu.

Shower Revelations

2008-06-04T12:57:00.000-07:00

So, I was in the shower the other day (Yes I know, TMI).

And I had a revelation. I'm not supposed to go to Columbia!

Well not right away anyway, if ever. What the heck was I thinking? God had actually told me at youth councils, earlier on in the year, that I should attend the War College. I was really stressed out about what college I'd be going to and he set my mind at peace with that answer.
Then I went home from that weekend and I started thinking about money and the job opportunities after college. I set my mind on going to Columbia Bible College. But I never felt right about that decision. I felt almost... uncomfortable.

I feel so content right now. It seems weird that I had the next six years of my life planned out only few days ago and I was feeling so restless. And now! I have only one year of my life planned out after high school and my soul seems to be at peace with this.
And who knows? Maybe next year he'll tell me that he wants me to drop out and go Evangelize in Africa and forget about the War College.

God has a time and a place for everything.

I'm so glad that he has control of my life, even though It seems that I'm playing tug-a-war with him he always seems to manage to get me on his side again.

I was at this retreat called X{LR}:8 this past weekend, I've mentioned it before. And we had to go through an hour and a half of silence. Thinking back on it, it was actually really relaxing. It was a break from trying to make people laugh all the time and needing to be the one to carry the conversation at lunch. I could just sign at people and we had community even in the silence.

It was nice.

Later on in that time of silence I was meditating on Psalms 139. And the pages of the Bible kept turning on me, and I would keep turning them back and the process would repeat. Then finally I had a thought.

"Y'know God controls the wind, maybe I should wait and see what happens."

The pages that had been turning had been turning to the exact same place every time and I saw a verse that spoke about God ignoring the person and the person wanting an answer, that they were tired of waiting.
It seemed to fit what I wanted so badly so I started to write the verse down.
But before I put my pen to the paper the pages flipped again and my eyes settled on the verse:

"God is in charge-always"

And I stopped and I almost felt like my face was heating up in embarrassment. It was like God was saying would you like a slap in the face Vangi? In a loving, Fatherly way of course. Hahaa.
Since then I've been working on my patience. I've taken up puzzles! It's quite fun actually, I'm currently working on a 500 piece puzzle.
It's an excellent activity I think. I was actually listening to the Bible on tape the other day as I worked on it.
It was splendid.

I like when I recognize verses from past sermons that have affected me and I think "Hey! So and so elaborated on that verse!"
I feel like I'm growing for once.

Perhaps I am getting closer to my goal of having my heavenly Father place his hand on my head and say

"Well done, my good and faithful servant."

The War College!?!?

2008-06-03T21:20:00.000-07:00

God wants me to go to The War College??

WHAT THE FLIP?!

All Around Me

2008-06-03T20:58:00.000-07:00

My hands are searching for you

My arms are outstretched towards you

I feel you on my fingertips

My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being

Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me

And you whisper you love me

And I begin to to fade

Into our secret place

The music makes me sway

The angels singing say

We are alone with you

I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry

The light is white

And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm aliveeeeeeeeee

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healed

Take my hand I give it you

Now you own me, All I am

You said you would never leave me

I believe you, I believe

I can feel you all around me

Thickening the air I'm breathing

Holding on to what I'm feeling

Savoring this heart that's healed

Trust Me

2008-05-23T01:09:00.000-07:00

I feel the world is on edge, everything is moving in slow motion.
The moment before the fall, the world seems to pause.
I'm holding my breath; waiting to hit bottom.
But it never comes.

Stuck in eternal fall, occasionally reaching out to grab onto some grass.

It rips out of the earth and it joins me in my fall.

Just as I begin to close my eyes and admit defeat; I cry out.

I cry out in despair letting my arms fall to my sides.

But just as my arms began to fall I felt a grip on my arm, gentle but firm.

A hand had grasped my wrist and I opened my eyes again

I looked up to see a man standing upright seemingly falling with me

"Trust me" He whispered gently.

Tears welled up in the eyes I thought had dried out long ago.

I reached out my other arm, shaking as I grasped his hand.

Pulling me into his arms he smiled.

The world shifted, we were falling up.

Looking up, I stared into the face of my Saviour.

"Who are you" I asked softly.

He looked down at me and my heart seemed to jerk at the tenderness in his eyes.

"I am yours."

Soul Mates

2008-04-20T18:59:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking about love a lot lately. Not just any love; The love between too halves of a whole. Some would say Soul Mates.
I look around me and see couples that are 'in love' everywhere. My friends seem to have a new 'soul mate' every month.

It seems to me that they're losing sight of what it means to be in love. Having a partner is a gift. A gift God has given us.
And I look around and I see everyone scrambling around to find the 'Perfect Man' or the 'Perfect Woman'.
They aren't looking for a partner, they're looking for a prize. A prize they can point at and list attributes that qualify as 'Perfect' to this generation.

Then there are the other kind of people who just want someone to accept them. So much so that they don't care that the other person doesn't love them. Or doesn't treat them right...

Myself? I've personally only had one boyfriend. And it was on a whim that I asked him out.
Not the foundation for a good relationship.
I ended up breaking up with him three weeks later. Since then, I've been waiting.

Trusting that God will send me someone that fits me like a puzzle piece.

I can understand how some people don't want to wait. I get frustrated some times as I watch long-term couples go through the motions of courting/dating.
I wonder why my halve hasn't found me yet?

Then I remember that verse. Love is Patient.
And I'm soothed. God has a time and a place for everything.

Don't settle for a frog. When you can have your knight. That's what I think.

Sometimes I just wish I could go into the future and talk to him. About everything that is going on in my life.
Because I know that he would care.

I talk to God, but sometimes a friend in the flesh is needed. Someone who can watch my back. Who will fight side by side with me until the day we are promoted to Glory.

Love is Patient.

So shall I be.

Psalms 13

2008-04-10T22:27:00.000-07:00

Long enough, God— you've ignored me long enough.
I've looked at the back of your head
long enough. Long enough
I've carried this ton of trouble,
lived with a stomach full of pain.
Long enough my arrogant enemies
have looked down their noses at me.

Take a good look at me, God, my God;
I want to look life in the eye,
So no enemy can get the best of me
or laugh when I fall on my face.

I've thrown myself headlong into your arms—
I'm celebrating your rescue.
I'm singing at the top of my lungs,
I'm so full of answered prayers.

Psalms 6

2008-04-10T22:13:00.000-07:00

Please, God, no more yelling, no more trips to the woodshed.
Treat me nice for a change;
I'm so starved for affection.

Can't you see I'm black-and-blue,
beat up badly in bones and soul?
God, how long will it take
for you to let up?

Break in, God, and break up this fight;
if you love me at all, get me out of here.
I'm no good to you dead, am I?
I can't sing in your choir if I'm buried in some tomb!

I'm tired of all this—so tired. My bed
has been floating forty days and nights
On the flood of my tears.
My mattress is soaked, soggy with tears.
The sockets of my eyes are black holes;
nearly blind, I squint and grope.

Get out of here, you Devil's crew:
at last God has heard my sobs.
My requests have all been granted,
my prayers are answered.

Cowards, my enemies disappear.
Disgraced, they turn tail and run.

2008-04-08T14:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish God had a blog...

Hope

2008-04-07T22:50:00.000-07:00

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you

You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

In the corners of my mind
I just can't seem to find a reason to believe
That I can break free

Cause you see I have been down for so long
Feel like all hope is gone
But as I lift my hands, I understand
That I should praise you through my circumstance

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you

You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

Everything that could go wrong
All went wrong at one time
So much pressure fell on me
I thought I was gonna lose my mind
But I know you wanna see
If I will hold on through these trials
But I need you to lift this load
Cause I can't take it no more

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

Been through the fire and the rain
Bound in every kind of way
But God has broken every chain
So let me go right now

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

-----

I'm going to explain this song and what it means to me at a later time because I am exhausted right now. (It's been a long day) And I need to hit the sack.
I just thought I would explain why my name is "Shackles off my feet, now I can dance"
So..

To Be Continued..

(Epic, right?)

....

Okay, I'm back! Nice and energized.. Riiight. Anyway, this is kind of like my testimony in song.
It's brilliant.
She's talking about how her life is going completely down the drain and how everything was happening all at once. And then she asks God for help, to lift the weight off her shoulders, and he takes it all away. And even though she still faces these every day trials, God has broken her chains. He has torn away the shackles holding her down and she is free!
She is free to dance!

God has freed me to dance! The shackles are off my feet and I just want to praise him! He's given me hope! Something I thought I would never see again.
And though sometimes I lose grasp on the hope he has given me. He's always right there to hold it out to me once more.

I have made myself and God a promise that I plan to stick too 'til the very end. If I am to achieve the goal of hearing God say "Well done, my good and faithful servant!"

The promise is a choice I have made..

I will never be bound again.

These shackles are off for good! Satan can't touch me. I've thrown my lot in with Jesus and I'm running hard to finish the race.

1 Corinthians 9:26

"I don't know about you, but I'm running hard for the finish line. I'm giving it everything I've got. No sloppy living for me! I'm staying alert and in top condition. I'm not going to get caught napping, telling everyone else all about it and then missing out myself."

I'm not going to be caught napping! Not me! I'm going to shout out the gospel while sprinting as fast as my metaphorical legs will carry me!

I will never be bound again...will you?

Exhilaration

2008-04-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

My fondest memory right now has got to be the time I was down at the beach at Camp Sunrise.

It was the first X{LR}:8 weekend and we were in the middle of a storm.

I went down to the beach with a few friends, took off my shoes, rolled up my pants and stood in the ocean. I remember feeling the waves crashing against my legs and just feeling this pure..exhilaration.

The rain was running down my face and I started to sing.

Thinking back on it, I must have looked a little crazy; Standing in the ocean with a storm raging around me.

I feel so close with God when I'm in the ocean, or when it's pouring so hard you can hardly see 10 feet away from you.

The ocean is so powerful..and I just.. It's crazy y'know? Our God has an incredible imagination. Thinking up something like the ocean. And I'm so thankful. If I were to pick one part of creation that I would never tire thanking God for, it would be the ocean. Every time I see it, every time I smell it, I get a little thrill deep inside.

I can feel the Holy Spirit Coursing through my body. It makes me want to scream, and laugh. And dance, like David danced!

Though I'm not sure how my friends would have taken it if I had stripped down naked and started dancing in the ocean...

If I could ask for one thing, for everyone of my brothers and sisters to experience, it would be to feel what I feel. When I'm at the ocean.

His presence is so strong there. Every surge of wind, the spray of the ocean, in every raindrop that hits my face. He's there.

I think a big reason I feel his presence so strongly at the Sea is because it reminds me. That God is a Wrathful God, as well as a compassionate One.

I am terrified of the ocean.

It is something that I can't control. It has a mind of it's own and yet..Jesus controlled it. He spoke two words "Be Still". And the ocean obeyed. The ocean OBEYED. The OCEAN obeyed.

(Have you ever noticed how you can change the exaggeration on a word in a sentence and make it sound like you're saying something else? ..This isn't one of those times..)

It replaces that awesome respect for Jesus that this generation has lost. The fear is restored in me. Which is something that I lacked.

I treated, and often still do treat, God too 'buddy-buddy' I guess. He is not just our confider, we can't just talk to him when we're going through something and then pat him on the back and say "Whoa man, sorry for the wet shoulder. I'll catch ya later!" And walk off without giving him a chance to speak.

He's not our last resort.

"The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness." Romans 1:18

God's wrath is not a temper tantrum, but a constant attitude to evil.

Unlike most Human anger, His is not based on unfulfilled expectations (all of his expectations are fulfilled), but on justice.

"God is a consuming fire" -He's always an Awesome God -You can tell Him your deepest desires, but don't treat Him tritely.

We're supposed to pray to him about everything, for everyone.
But we have to learn to listen. For it is not the one-sided conversation that we've gotten used to. He has something to say too.

---------

They say that an artist leaves a piece of themselves behind when they create a masterpiece...What do you think?

Bring it on!

2008-04-04T10:28:00.001-07:00

"I've been as far as you can go, I've learned a lot and now I know, you're never gonna get me on the floor again, I'm prepared to take you to the end, never gonna play your games again bring your whole team and all your friends, but I hope you're listenin'."

This is part of a song called "Step to me". It's by a Christian band called Thousand Foot Krutch and it talks about ridding himself of demons that are trying to tell him what to do, where to go.
I love this part because he's basically telling demons to 'Bring it on!' He's got Jesus by his side and he's not letting them control his life anymore.

I think this is the way we, as believers, should face temptation; Defiantly!

Facing temptation, with Jesus by our side, shouting "BRING IT ON! Hit me with everything you got; You can't touch me."
Of course we've got to be ready for whatever comes our way. We have to have our spiritual armor fully equipped. What spiritual armor, you ask? It's in Ephesians 6.

The Armor of God

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

I find that writing these blogs is the perfect God time in my day. They tickle my curiousity, I want to learn more so I can share more and work my way to being the daughter my Father can be proud of. They're helping me sharpen my sword of the Spirit.
I purposely make sure that I can back up my points with Bible verses. Not only so you will know that what I am speaking is the Truth but also so I may grow in my knowledge of The Word.

I'm blessed with the fact that I have a talented pastor in my church. I've found myself looking forward to Sundays so that I may share my thoughts on the days sermon.
His words fill me with inspiration.
I've found myself being called to do what he is doing, sharing the good news through preaching. Of course I don't plan on becoming a pastor, unless God decides that's where I should serve, but I know for sure that I will be someone who will speak to the younger generation.
I just pray that I will be able to become an inspirational speaker. To be able to leave a mark on the hearts of the audience as I myself have been marked.
God once spoke to me through a listening prayer session. He told me that I was his touch on the world. That my fingertips were his.
At the time I assumed that he meant me to become a missionary. And I still feel a little attached to the idea. But God calls us all to be missionaries, wherever we live to share of his love.

Wherever I end up being, and whatever I end up doing I want to be a threat. A threat to the spiritual realm. I want demons to look at me and see Jesus in every aspect of my life! And turn tail and run!
I want to be all that I can be.

No holding back. I want to be spiritually alive.

"The unspiritual self, just as it is by nature, can't receive the gifts of God's Spirit. There's no capacity for them. They seem like so much silliness. Spirit can be known only by spirit—God's Spirit and our spirits in open communion. Spiritually alive, we have access to everything God's Spirit is doing, and can't be judged by unspiritual critics."

Songs Of The Heart

2008-04-03T19:58:00.001-07:00

This is all for you

2008-04-03T11:51:00.000-07:00

Beautiful Redeemer you’ve taken me from shame.
You place me at your right hand
Put a crown upon my head

Lover to the loveless, you called me your own
You raised me from the ashes
Placed me at your throne, at your throne

So all of my worship and all of the praise this heart can offer is for you
So all of my worship and all of the praise this heart can offer is for you
Beautiful Redeemer, this is all for you

Friend to the friendless, you hold me so near
You wipe away my tears of sadness
Speak peace to all my fears

Lover to the loveless, you called me your own
You raised me from the ashes
Placed me at your throne, at your throne

So all of my worship and all of the praise this heart can offer is for you
So all of my worship and all of the praise this heart can offer is for you
Beautiful Redeemer, this is all for you

Beautiful Redeemer, this is all for you…

------

I love this song so much, everytime I listen to it my heart beats a little faster, my foot taps a little longer...

It's so beautiful because..when I read the lyrics, or listen to the song, my heart feels full. Yet, at the same time, broken.
The fact that we aren't as close as we could be frustrates me. I want to know him like he knows me. (If that's even possible)

I want to be the child he looks upon with favor and says to Satan "Have you considered my servant Evangeline?"

So I'm on a mission; A mission that will take place over the entirety of my life.

I want God to call upon me when he has work to be done. But before I aquire that goal, I have to learn to put my faith in him.

"When you limit yourself, you limit God" - Olivia Munn

I want to stop limiting myself, I want to believe that through Christ my Saviour I can do all things.

Mark 10:27 says:

'Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." '

Phillipians 4:13 says:

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength"

When God is by my side, all things are possible! Do you understand what this means? Through God we can perform miracles! We can heal sicknessess, walk on water, command demons to flee. In Jesus name nothing is impossible.

Look in the bible! You'll see all these miracles being performed by disciples in the past.

For a while now I've prayed for the gift of healing. I have the gift of empathy and it hurts me to see others hurt; I want to be able to help them.

And for that I need to have faith that God will heal; Using me as his servant to accomplish his will.

Heaven bound

2008-04-01T17:19:00.000-07:00

Hebrews 6: 4-6

4 It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit, 5 who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age, 6 if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.

Hebrews 12: 4-11

4 In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.
5 And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, 6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son." 7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?
8 If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons.
9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live!
10 Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness.
11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

John 10: 11-18

11"I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. 12The hired hand is not the shepherd who owns the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. 13The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep.
14"I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me— 15just as the Father knows me and I know the Father—and I lay down my life for the sheep. 16I have other sheep that are not of this sheep pen. I must bring them also. They too will listen to my voice, and there shall be one flock and one shepherd. 17The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life—only to take it up again. 18No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father."

Hot or Cold?

2008-04-01T11:54:00.000-07:00

So, we were discussing death in youth group yesterday (Yeah I know, happy topic hey?) and one of the girls quoted something from this verse fearing that she was going to hell. Despite the fact she had given her life over to Christ.

She recalled a verse in the Bilbe that said "You are neither hot nor cold. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

And she felt she was being merely 'lukewarm' and was doubting the fact that heaven was in her future.

So I looked up the verse and read it aloud. It is part of the letter to the Church in Laodicea.
Here is what I read.

Revelation 3: 15-21

15I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

17You say, 'I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.' But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.

18I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.

19Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. 20Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me.

21To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne.

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Yes. So here's the thing. In the Bible you have to read deeper into it then just one verse. If you do that, you're bound to get a mixed message. You have to read the whole passage.

In this passage the girl in my youth group only remembered the first part about being Lukewarm. But if she had recalled the later passage in verse 19-20. It says:

"So be earnest, and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock, If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me."

If you feel you are being lukewarm, do something about it! Lukewarm means to be basically knowing God and believing in his promise perhaps going through the motions of church etc. But you never DO anything. You have no passion, you're slothful in your faith.

I used to go through lukewarm phases. I would go to a big youth gathering jump up and down get stoked about Jesus then head back home and fall back into all this..crap! But the thing is, I felt like I was playing tug-a-war with God. I wanted a closer relationship with him, sure. But I also wanted to do what I wanted to do. I was neither hot nor cold. I wanted to smoke pot, go tag buildings, skip school, shoplift. You name it.
And for a while that's exactly what I did.. but you see. Though it was satisfying for the moment. In the long run I started to think a little.
Smoking pot? My memory is bad enough already. It's true pot isn't the worst drug out there but the long-term effects aren't very nice.
Tagging buildings? I began to think about the people who had to clean that up, spraypaint on brickwall can't be easy to wash off.
Skipping school? Do I even need to go there?
As for shoplifting, okay it's kind of an embarrasing story actually, I shoplifted over about 500 dollars worth of merchandise over the course of a year. And I ended up stopping for a while. But then one day I decided "One little chocolate bar couldn't hurt" and I took it..needless to say that was the last time I shoplifted. I was caught and they had the police come to my house and I was let off with little more than a slap on the wrist.
I realized how stupid it all was at an earlier point in my life. I started to turn my life around in grade 10. Yay me.
Anyway, I went off a little there. Back to my original point. Being lukewarm doesn't mean that you have to stay that way. You can repent and start anew! That's what I love about Jesus. No matter what I've done in my life, no matter what kind of crap I get into he's always willing to love me.
God's Love is constant. Repent with a sincere heart and you are wiped clean.

Thought for the day:
Okay, we started talking about two different situations in youth group too.
Two men laying on their death beds; One spent his childhood knowing God and he gave his heart over to him. Later on in his life he stopped believing and lived life the way he wanted too.
The other man had spent his life succumbing to his own selfish desires. But on his death bed he realizes his mistakes and he repents to God with a sincere heart accepting him as his saviour.

Who do you think goes to heaven?

It's such a hard question because it..hurts to hear the answer. Some people look at the answer and become bitter.
If you haven't guessed it by now, It was the second man.
He died believing in God while the other died not believing. It is true that once you accept God into your heart he's there to stay. But you can't expect to accept God into you're heart and then go do you're own thing and forget about God. The first man pushed God out of his heart when he stopped believing and started to live a life of sin. The second man let God into his heart when he repented and accepted him with a sincere heart.

John 3:36
"Whoever believes in the Son has eternal life, but whoever rejects the Son will not see life, for God's wrath remains on him."

Chew on that.

Is it Marriage? Or Just sharing the bills?

2008-03-30T16:53:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I was at church today and the service was on Marriage. Appropriatly so considering that the sermon was tied into a wedding.
Skipping past how awkward it was to hear my father speak about "Sexual intimacy", I rather liked todays sermon.
I especially liked the part he shared in the bible about "two becoming one". It's such a crazy concept. When I picture two people becoming one I see a man and a woman morphing together to make up some sort of transvestite..
Not the prettiest picture.
But then, becoming more serious about it, I see two believers a man and a woman. Becoming something more; becoming one half of a whole.
And..it's beautiful because it's such a gift God has given us. The gift of companionship. Yes, it's true that woman was made before man to become a helper/a companion as it says in Genesis 2.

18 The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."
19 Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the field and all the birds of the air. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. 20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found.

21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. 22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman, ' for she was taken out of man."

24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

25 The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

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My favorite part of that verse has got to be in verse 24 "and they will become one flesh". I even highlited it for you; Isn't that convenient?

Thought for the day:
Till death do us part - Why is it that in this day and age marriage is becoming more of a 'of the moment' or 'because it's convenient' type thing.
Getting married is such a special moment. Saying the vows should be sacred; not something to be said so flippantly thinking "Oh well, if this one doesn't work out I'll just get me a new one!"

You're getting married too become one in the flesh! Can you so easily toss half of yourself away?

Guilt

2008-03-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

I was at this thing called 'RAW' the other day, it'a gathering of christian youth in the downtown eastside of Vancouver, and one of the speakers talks caught my ear.
A man named Micheal Collins.
Now I had heard him speak before; but somehow this was different. He spoke about not faking - being genuine in your worship.
I don't have a very good memory, I should have taken notes, but I remember feeling guilty and i didn't know why. I started second guessing myself. Wondering if i truly had any passion for God at all or was it all a sham.
Then I remembered one of my Da's sermons. On False guilt and Real guilt. He spoke about how when you feel guilty it usually means that you are in fact guilty. But there are times that you feel guilty for things that you know yourself aren't true.
What I don't understand is: Why do we feel false guilt?
It doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, It's bad enough having to feel real guilt without adding on fake guilt too.
My emotions are a friggin' rollar coaster. I'm continually frustrated on a day to day basis of how little self-control I have. And I continually feel guilty for snide remarks and little comments that I give for no other reason than to hurt someone who has hurt me.
That is something worthy of guilt.
But I know that I have a burning passion for God I KNOW I do. I can feel it, and I feel like bursting with the love I have for my Father.
So why is it that I feel guilty? Maybe it was the way he spoke as if he was speaking only to me. Maybe God is trying to tell me something.

But..
Why does it feel like I'm trying to humble myself from something that I wasn't being prideful of.

I'm jumping all over the place here. My thoughts are a big jumbled puzzle. That never seem to come close to solving..

The Way I Am

2008-02-14T13:51:00.000-08:00

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.

Lonely Father

2007-12-19T13:23:00.000-08:00

Sporadically spinning hand on a useless time piece

Emotionless waves tossing the possession

Deeper, deeper into the abyss of a lonely life

Where it would wait and wait

Years later a bluesuit would come

A burst of inspiration would seize her fingers

As they close around the lonely one

Air becomes a problem she drops the piece

Time passes, the ticking goes on

What a cruel devious mind fate has

A spiteful woman to Father time

So on it goes forever more it's future unknown

It learns to love lonliness

In the belly of a forsaken tomb, dark

Eventually the beat of the ticking slows

Until no more is heard but the ever persistant water

Pressing in closer, never retreating Cool Mud comforts the piece

Taking It in Her loving arms

Finally It has come home

Winter

2007-12-01T17:44:00.000-08:00

Christmas is my favourite time of year. Everyone seems more joyful, giving. I love just sitting and watching couples coupling. Kids kidaling. I get a warm feeling in my tummy when I hear Christmas songs on the radio. The smell of pine in the air even though there isn't even a tree yet.

And snow! I love snow! When it snows the world seems more pristine, gentle. When I wake up in mornings during the Christmas season, the first thing I do is poke my head out the window to see if it snowed. And If it had I would just look..an' look..and look some more. The snow blankets the earth in the mornings. Untouched, unspoiled.

The world turns magical when it snows.